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You were like a toilet bowl...

Sooo.. I totally miss Joel. Like I hear that song on the radio..
the one that I heard with him a couple Christmas' ago..
The Delilah one..
and it TOTALLY makes me think of him.

I hope he's still ok.
I didn't see him when he was here to visit last.
I don't know if Jeff did.

I can't stop thinking about an old friend.
I really miss this person..
But we haven't spoken to each other in God.. lyk 2 years.
Everything ended on bad terms..

It really sucks to think about it now.
I'm a mom and this person probably doesn't even remember that we were friends.

Why am I thinking about this?
I can erase everyone else from my life.
why not this one??

We were best friends..

..or so I thought.


For the long haul.

So that job I applied for--
I don't really want it anymore..

I get paid WAAAAY more doing something that could potentially forward my aspirations on becoming a nurse.
And make $10.75 doing it.

But it deals with old people and I don't want to deal with them.
They're just not as fun as I remember them to be.


I'll do anything for that kinda money though.


I went to the doctor.
Got perscriptions for anti-anxiety.
It's a narcotic.
It's highly addictive.
I'm terrified to take it.

I'm such a baby.

But it will have to do until I can talk to a "shrink"..
honestly.. wtf?


count me out.

Ever feel like you're moving too fast
when all you're really doing is standing still?

I feel like that every day.

10lbs and 3 1/2 ounces..
my little chunkeroo.


high school sucked my asshole.

Part of me hates looking back.
They were my friends and now theyre nothing.


Is this thing on??

Someone's birthday is coming up soon..

oh to be twenty.

Am I strung out??

She hates talking about it.
She hates thinking about it.
Sometimes she doesn't even want to look at him.

He says he's going to get better.
All she wants is for him to just take care of it.
Take initiative to just handle it himself.
To give her some much needed time to herself.

But he can't seem to do it.
She's done talking about it.
Her family asks about it and she lies.
She doesn't want to hear from them.

About how he should step up.
If he wanted to he would.

It's ok..
It's not the first time she's felt stretched thin.

What's going to happen when she goes to work?
Then he won't have the excuse that he puts in 40 hrs.
She's up all night and again all day.
She manages the laundry, their dishes, their room, the animals.
She can't imagine going back to work on top of all that.

and a baby...


loves bathtime.

Suicide blonde.

I like to chew bubble gum.
Blow big bubbles.
The kind that stick to your lips.

I like sleeping.
Napping in the bed all by myself.
with my favorite pillow.

I like feeling beautiful.
Which doesn't happen too often.
somedays not at all.

My anniversary is tomorrow.
Big dinner.
I'm not hungry.
At all.

I do feel sick to my stomach.
I hate paying for people's shit.
Overdraft fee after overdraft fee.

Sometimes I hate just being me.

Exploding in the face of god.

Sometimes it's just good to get away.
To clear your head.
To think about things that need to be thought about.

Changes need to be made. I'm too impatient to wait.
Everyone I talk to says it's normal to feel like this.
I stress myself out enough..
I don't need to think I'm doing something else wrong.

I can't remember when I got six consecutive hours of sleep.
I'd settle for four.
Unbroken. Sleep.
When I didn't have to worry about coming to the rescue..
When I didn't have to rely on some one else to parent my baby.
Other than her parent(s).

I can't remember the last time I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw.
It's been so long.

I hate my body.
After baby.
But that's to be expected, right?
I gave up the beauty I knew to this little me.
She's gonna be a knock out. I'm convinced.

I can hear her crying. My stepmoms to the rescue.
She doesn't want to see bags under my eyes.

God it's good to finally sleep in a bed.
Even if it's not really mine.
Even if he's not here.


I want him to step it up.
I know he can do it.
I'm just tired of him always walking away.
But I'm tired of telling him.
I'm tired.


quiet things that noone ever knows.

Today was eventful.


One nap is not nearly enough to sustain me through the day.
Poor Tenaya..
Thank gawd she came over or I would have never brushed my teeth.


Talking is always good.
Works better than a band-aid.
Especially over dinner.
In a public place.
I won't argue there.
I hate embarrassing myself.

She's still as beautiful as ever.

Which is what I should be doing.